It is amazing how human language shapes our reality. I want to share with you a small, but incredibly significant word- a word that can join together two seemingly contradictory experiences, expand our reality and bring us infinitely closer to the truth. This word is “and.”
Most of us live in a limited world of “either/or” without even knowing it. Either we are successful or we are not. Either we are hard working, or we are not trying hard enough. Either it is our responsibility, or it is someone else’s. Either you love the person, or you do not. Either you are sorry or you don’t care. A lot of energy and frustration is expended trying to rationalize our behavior, feelings and beliefs to fit one or the other. A patient first illustrated the power of “and” for me in a group demonstration in which she was asked to deliver effective criticism: “Jonathan, you are a wonderful employee AND I really need you to arrive on time to your shift.” There was no “but, you really need to …” which would have negated the initial compliment. Instead, these two seemingly opposing statements were joined together: Jonathan is a good employee and a valued member of the staff. He has also been late three times in a row, which is a legitimate problem. Both things are true. I encourage you to use this strategy in delivering criticism- it works quite nicely.
Dialectics are a foundational principle of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). The primary dialectic is “acceptance and change.” No matter who we are, we at all times, must balance acceptance of ourselves as we are with the need and desire to change. We live into this tension with ourselves, as well as those we love. I have been amazed at how liberating, and validating, it is to join contradictory statements together. For example, “This is really hard, and I’m doing it” …. “You are right and I am right” …. “It is not my fault that x happened to me, and it is my responsibility to deal with it.” You can discover dialectics in any area of opposition – from Congress to your relationship with your family or yourself. So, the next time you find yourself in gridlock, try to name the dialectic and explore the expansion of a deeper, richer truth.
“Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
-Rumi
Elizabeth Harrison, MSW, LCSW
October 2015
The post Dialectics: The Power of “And” appeared first on Triangle Pastoral Counseling.