The DBT concept of Radical Acceptance (or how to quit your job skillfully)
Dr. Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), repeatedly uses the phrase “pain plus non-acceptance equals suffering.”
Most of us know a thing or two about the additional suffering that non-acceptance causes. At some point or another, we have all found ourselves gritting our teeth through life. For me, it was a job I had once. I still remember where I was when I learned that I had been passed up for the promotion I so desperately wanted. “Devastated” just does not do my feelings justice. I know intimately the urge to storm out, tell my boss off and scream “I quit!” Somehow, I managed to bite my tongue, but it was all I could do to just get through the days. Often I would burst into tears in the parking lot. Rinse, wash, repeat. This went on for weeks. I was stuck.
Enter Radical Acceptance.
Fortunately, I was teaching DBT at the time and during the radical acceptance module, I took a long hard look at myself. I recognized all the signs of non-acceptance: I was fighting. I was exhausted. I was suffering.
So what is Radical Acceptance? Radical Acceptance is the concept of fully accepting, from deep within, full and total reality. Linehan defines it as “letting go of fighting reality.” Note that acceptance is not agreement and it is not about complacency. It is more like “acknowledgement”…it is about finding truth, not about liking it. There is nothing polyannaish about this practice. It is hard to acknowledge our pain and hurt, but it is actually the first step towards change and learning to bear pain skillfully. For those of us who have created our own versions of non-acceptance suffering, Linehan writes, “acceptance is the only way out of hell.”
For me, it looked something like this: “There are parts of my job that I love and there are considerably more parts of my job that I do not like. I do not feel valued in my current position and I have more to offer than I am allowed to give here.” Truth washed over me and I breathed easier.
As I repeated this phrase, a heaviness was lifted and I began to see things in a new way. I began to see the problem as a goodness of fit issue as opposed to some grave injustice. Perhaps most importantly, I began to dream about what opportunities existed out there that would be a better fit. Slowly, I became unstuck. The next few months on my days off, I set up coffee dates with leaders in my field and became involved in meaningful organizations. Surprisingly, in the meantime, I enjoyed my current job more because I was no longer angry- because I was no longer trying to make it into something it was not. I had accepted it for what it was: a job. It was not my career and it certainly was not an indicator of my worth. When I did find my dream job, I gave the appropriate notice and left with a glowing recommendation. Today, I have a wonderful working relationship with them and I can appreciate them as an excellent organization, for whom I was simply not a good fit.
I am forever grateful that I did not storm out mid-shift.
For additional information on Radical Acceptance and DBT: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance_part_1.html
Elizabeth Harrison, LCSW-A
June 2015
The post Radical Acceptance appeared first on Triangle Pastoral Counseling.